I have given up my life and now I know, know what it truly means. I have consecrated myself and withdrawn myself from this world. I have spent many days, many nights just seeking Your face. I felt alone, I have felt like You were never with me during my toughest trials, but I now know, You never left. I didnt know what it truly meant to be broken, until recently. Im starting to see things through Your eyes. Sometimes its amazing but, sometimes its truly painful.
In my 25 years of breathing, only the last 2 to 3 years do I really even feel like I’ve grasped what it really means to follow Jesus. Its not all “glory and fame.” Its more humble and nameless. Its more brokenness and tears. Jesus isnt a club to join. He isnt the “cool” thing to follow. I realize I’m in a season of brokenness and that there is joy and happiness in Christ, this I know for sure. Ive seen and lived in pure joy and I still have that joy. But most people seem to leave out the hardest part of following Jesus.. dying. Its the hardest thing I’ve ever done. No one teaches you in the church how to die to yourself so that you can truly follow Jesus. Yet that is the most crucial thing any person will ever do in a relationship with Christ. I feel like I understand now how Jesus felt as He looked upon the sea of people, truly having compassion for them because they had no shepherd. You see compassion is brokenness, or even better, anguish. I am now starting to see people who have no shepherd and because of it my heart is filled with utter anguish for I see the results that lie in ruins because of no shepherd.
To end this Ive come so far from who I use to be but, I still dont see everything like Jesus see’s it. Thats where I am right now at the very moment, I’m trying to see like Jesus see’s it. I truly tried to see things His way, but my flesh has become a veil. Lord, please help me die. My flesh deceives me, it distorts my vision. My only prayer is to see as You see. Then I can act as You acted thus being who You created me to be.
If you know me, please pray for me to truly die and never return. I just want to see.
